Loss & Grief Part II by Sylvia

When I last wrote about grief and loss, I was reflecting on my path to becoming a Soul Midwife. Two significant events stood out. The first event was the death of my father.

The second event took place 38 years later when mum came to live in a care home near me and I was able to visit her almost daily. However, in January 2018, she was admitted to hospital as a result of another urinary tract infection. She remained in that hospital for five weeks and was then transferred to a small GP led hospital. Here she had a room to herself with large floor to ceiling windows and mountains as a backdrop which were covered in snow. She spent most of her time in bed and was often asleep when I visited but occasionally she was awake, and we would have brief conversations although she did not always recognise me. 

Here are some extracts from the work I handed in as part of my Soul Midwives’ training. It chronicles the last three days of my mother’s life, the ‘active dying stage’ as it’s called and is the second significant event. Mum’s death took place two years before I was introduced to Soul Midwifery.

The call came at 6.00am on Monday morning, the 5th of March 2018. It was the call I had been expecting but dreaded taking. When I arrived, mum was in bed. She looked pale and frail with very shallow breathing.  Her skin looked almost translucent. My husband and I sat by her and I held her hand and told her that we were there and that I loved her. Her hand was cold, and I gently tried to rub some warmth into it. Her feet were cold as well and I held them and put the sheet over them. I knew that there would be no recovering from this and that I would be there to watch mum die. We sat beside her and gently held her hand and whispered to her until the rest of my family arrived. My youngest son needed to ask his workplace for permission to take leave, which delayed his arrival. My eldest son arrived late that evening and sat alongside his grandmother. They were close – he was her first grandchild and was only three when my father died.

My youngest brother arrived with his wife and their daughters shortly after 12pm. He wears his heart on his sleeve and started to cry as soon as he saw her. My sister-in-law and the girls were equally upset. As a family we had held several conversations about the best way forward for mum and had discussed whether we wanted her to be resuscitated or moved to a local general hospital if she developed another infection.  Having spoken to mum some years earlier, I knew that she did not want her life to be prolonged in any way. As she had told me: ‘“when it’s time for me to go, I’m ready”.

We took it in turns with my brother and his family to sit with mum allowing each other to have some time alone and to eat – you still have to look after yourself at this time! As a family, we were united in holding mum in a ‘love bubble’ and concentrating all our energies on her. This was a magical time, one in which time stood still. Yes, it was sad and yes, we did cry, but we were there exclusively for mum and to honour her passing. Although two of my brothers had decided not to be present, finding this act too painful and sad, this precious time to say goodbye and spend time with mum helped to ease the pain of her passing. We used intuition and instinct to guide us, all from a well of deep love. Keeping a vigil was the final act we could do for her.

We also laughed out loud. Rina spent some time stroking mum’s leg with a blend of essential oils; after about 15 minutes she went to straighten out the sheets and realised that she had, in fact, been stroking the inflated plastic leg support and not her actual leg!

At one point, Rina and I left the room to get some refreshments and, on the way back, one of the staff caught my eye, walked over to me, gently touched my arm and said: “it’s hard”. Her words resonated strongly with me. Two little words that caught my emotions completely and still resonate strongly with me. 

This was the beginning of some very precious time together - Mum, Rina and I, three generations of females who were the only daughters in each family. Rina brought Lavender essential oil with her as this was mum’s favourite oil.  We diffused it and gently stroked her arms, hands and feet. We noticed that her fingers and toes were cold and white with a blue tinge and this had spread since yesterday. Rina and I exchanged glances; we knew that the end was near. 

We played soft music and her favourite songs, one of which was Que Sera Sera. Rina and I noticed that this song seemed to be constantly playing on the radio after she died, and to us, it was a reminder that she was still with us in spirit.

On the third day (Wednesday) Rina and I left at 4pm. I said my goodbyes knowing that this was the final time I would see her. I kissed her, told her I was leaving, that I loved her and that she could leave if she was ready. My brother and sister-in-law reassured me they would stay until she passed. Mum died at 6.11pm that evening. 

My mother’s death was my first experience of being present during a vigil and watching someone die. Seeing her life force gently ebb away peacefully had a profound effect on me and demonstrated what a good death could look like. It led to my decision, along with my father’s death, to train as a Soul Midwife and provide compassionate care for those at the end of life. It is a privilege to honour a soul as it makes the transition to a higher realm.

Last time, I introduced you to Frankincense. Today it’s the turn of Rose.

Rose Essential Oil

The Oil of Divine Love

There are two types of Rose oil: Rose Attar and Rose Absolute.

Rose is a symbol of love and is found in many faiths and beliefs across the world.

It is a gentle oil that is often used in skincare, as a perfume and helping to relieve menstrual problems.

It is associated with the heart chakra and helps to comfort the bereaved as well as those grieving for the end of a relationship. It helps to lift the spirits, opening the heart to heal and move on.

Rose essential oil is known as the “Queen of Oils” and it is one of the most precious essential oils in the world.

Rose petals produce a sweet floral aroma, renowned in the perfume and essential oil industries. Rose can be applied to pulse points for an uplifting aroma throughout the day.

It takes approximately 252,000 individual petals (or 8,000 rose flowers) to produce one 5ml bottle of Rose essential oil.